Spider Bites and Crickets

Greetings!

I haven’t posted in a few days. There are a couple of reasons for this, neither having to do with my food, thankfully. I have been eating mindfully and within reason, not overdoing my calories or sugar. This is even more of an achievement because I am often an emotional eater, and despite dealing with some emotionally difficult things, I haven’t been swallowing my emotions with food.

A little over two weeks ago, my husband mentioned that he had a bruise on his upper thigh. He wasn’t sure when or how he’d gotten it, but because of where it was, we assumed that it was from one of the corners of the baseboard of our bed.

Three days later, we’d been out running errands and everything was fine, but when we got home and were relaxing, he suddenly got very nauseous and pale and wanted to go lay down. A little while later, he started to develop a fever, which rose to 102 that night. We thought he might have the flu, although we weren’t sure.

He spent the next day in bed and at one point he said that he’d been laying on his bruise for a while and it felt “abraded”. I took a look at it (as best I could in the dim lighting in there) and told him that yeah, it looked a little swollen. The bruise itself was about the size of a silver dollar and there was some red swelling on one side. That was the first point when the thought “spider bite” entered my mind. I mentioned it to him but he was tired and I really couldn’t quite believe that he had gotten bit without knowing it.

Well, the next day his fever was down to around 100 and he felt better enough to get up for a short period of time, so he came out here to the kitchen where the lighting is better and I finally got a good look at it. Sure enough, it looked like a bite by then. I started researching on the internet and from everything I could see, we figured out that he’d gotten bit by a brown recluse.

Part 1 – How to Grow a Fat Kid

Greetings!

Welcome to a new Category of My Life Changing Blog – “How to Grow a Fat Kid.”

I’ve thought about this section for quite some time, but I’ve been putting off getting into it. I’m not sure I could even tell you why, honestly. I mean, I know most of this already – or, at least, much of it. But again, it’s one of those areas where I’m aware of it . . . but I sort of don’t look in its direction much. I mean, you know, I’m an adult. Such things should no longer even be a factor in my world. But, the truth is, it may still be a factor in some way. I mean, I might be 51, but I’m also at my all-time highest weight. Yes, there are very current reasons for that – but the seeds were planted long ago.

This section won’t be easy to write. I’m completely aware of that, for sure. The fact is, I just don’t talk much about my childhood and my past. I mean, I may touch on some things here and there in this matter of fact kind of way that I have when sharing with people about such things. I’m an open book, after all. But – that’s the thing – when I say I’m an open book, I’m pretty much hiding in plain sight. I share some things and people are all, “Wow, I’m really honored that you shared that with me.” But, I’m like the guys on Dragnet – “Just the facts, ma’am.” I’ll tell them the stuff that happened. I rarely talk about how it felt – or how it haunts me.

Frankly, there are only two reasons I’m even open to talking about all this stuff now. For one – I’m not really me. I’m “Spirit Dancer” and therefore, I don’t have to worry about my family reading any of this stuff. For another, I know that I HAVE to. I’m on a mission to heal myself, and it’s time to pull out all the stops, once and for all.

So, welcome to Part 1 of the new section “How to Grow a Fat Kid.”

Being Positive in the Face of Shame

Greetings!

My daughter is graduating from High School today and I am so proud of her. I still remember that beautiful little baby that took her sweet time being born (she was born at home) and how our midwives commented on her beauty and ability to do things exactly in her own time. They told me then that I had a strong woman on my hands. They were right.

Sadly, I will not be attending her graduation. I’m really unhappy about that. I am staying home with my hubby, who is very sick with the flu. I would have to be gone 5 to 6 hours (the ceremony is 4 hours and she has to be there an hour and a half early) and that’s just too long to be away because he is very weak and has needed my help over the past couple of days. My daughter was very clear that she feels I need to be here with him, and for that I am grateful. Her dad is going to take our camera phone and take pictures and record her as she receives her diploma. But it won’t be the same as being there.

Spinach, Tomato, Onion Tofu Scramble

Greetings!

I’ve always liked the idea of tofu and I’ve had tofu that I liked – when it was cooked by others. But I could never seem to make it myself where it didn’t end up either tasting like rubber, or like some mushy and disgusting mess. I finally gave up because I just couldn’t afford to keep buying it when I kept messing it up.

During our trip to see my son get married, we spent several days in Albuquerque with my hubby’s son and his partner. The two of them have a fabulous house. She’s a dentist and he’s a stay at home dad to their four, large adopted dogs, taking care of their incredible home and helping her mom out with her dog rescue work. He also grows an amazing garden and cooks the most delicious food. The two of them are vegans and we ate so good while we were there, we really didn’t miss the meat or dairy at all. It was rather astonishing!

I told him that I like to start off the morning with protein, rather than with carbs. I told him one of my favorite things is omelets made with spinach, tomato, and onion. Since they are vegan, they had no eggs, but his lady suggested tofu scramble and I was certainly willing to give it a shot.

OMG – SO good! Not only was I thrilled to have it, I was thrilled to learn how to make it for myself after we returned home. And now, I would like to share it with all of you!

Breaking Through The Barriers

Greetings!

Man, lately this whole “blogging thing” has been like pulling teeth! I know that it has been forever since I wrote my last entry and I can imagine that the few followers I have have just given up on me. I truly do want to apologize to you for seemingly disappearing on you like that.

At the very end of March, we left the familiarity of our home environment and embarked on a two week journey to the southwest for my son’s wedding and to visit family. I actually DID begin to write about our trip, while on our trip, and I was really happy with some of the insights I had experienced and was excited to share them with all of you. Alas, I did not hit “Save Draft” in time to save my words when some random and annoying occurrence made Chrome crash and all my eloquent words were lost. I was heartbroken and annoyed and completely NOT in the mood to attempt to recreate them again at that moment. 

A Trip Forcing Me to Face Myself

Greetings,

I contemplated naming this blog post, “The Sucky and Very Bad Day” with the thought of filling it with whining about yesterday. But, while yesterday wasn’t a great day, what really has me tripping out are not the days that have passed – but the days that are coming.

My son and his bride are getting married soon – early in April. We are road-tripping it to their wedding in the southwestern desert of Arizona. We’ll be with them for a few days before the wedding and leave the day after the wedding to head up to North Central NM for a few days visiting with family and friends. My honey’s son lives there and so does my mom, plus, we both have a few friends in the area to see.

I’m a nervous wreck about it, to be honest. My son and his bride are very excited and can’t wait for us to arrive. Three of us are going, including his adopted dad (our roommate who is also my ex-husband and close friend) and it’s been a couple years since we’ve seen either of them. They are proud to have us stay with them in their home and have two rooms available for us. One is a guest room with a full size bed. The other is a room with a futon. 

Day Five of my Weight Loss Restart

Greetings!

I haven’t had time to update but I’ve been doing good with my eating. There have definitely been temptations but I do my best to face them head on and find something to eat that I like and find satisfying, without resorting to the bad food.

I have not felt that weird thumping heartbeat since day one of eating sanely again and I’m thrilled about that. There is still some swelling in my legs, but not as much. There is still redness, but not as much. There are moments when I feel that weird pressure in them, but it’s for short periods of time and then goes away. Things are improving slowly.

I got on the scale this morning and it read 375.8. That still sucks horribly, but it is 8 lbs better than before, so I’m thankful for that, too.

Today has been a rough day. It is hard for me to eat healthy if I think that I am inconveniencing my hubby or daughter in any way. I do most of the cooking around here and I am not one to buy much in the way of convenience foods. So if I’m eating something that they don’t necessarily like, I want to make sure they have something they do like to eat. But today, despite my very concerted efforts to make sure that certain people have foods they like – AND that they understood there were certain foods I would not be eating – words were exchanged between me and someone else in the house and I was accused of being “inflexible.” 

Day One of Eating Right – Again

Greetings!

Since my last post, where I shared my new top weight (at least, the one I saw on the scale), I have been trying to eat more consciously, but I haven’t really had good food choices available. Combine that with a bit of an attitude about it – a minor pity party sort of thing that involved getting rebellious and buying a handle of vodka and a bottle of diet cola and enjoying the hell out of it for the next four days – and last night I was definitely noticing the swelling in BOTH my legs (not just the bad one) and a lot of redness on both my calves (not just the bad one) and I was feeling very aware that at times, my heart seemed to be beating hard, for no apparent reason.

Yeah – ain’t that spiffy? 

Weight Loss – Time to Try Again

Greetings,

It’s always embarrassing to admit to big fat failure, especially when the admission is about your failure to lose fat. But anyone who has ever embarked on a journey of weight loss knows that it isn’t easy. It is a journey fraught with pitfalls and temptations and emotions that grab hold of you and lead you down the primrose path with promises like “just this once” and “there’s always tomorrow.” They don’t mention the day of reckoning that will be coming – that is always coming.

This morning was my latest Day of Reckoning. It certainly wasn’t my first. I doubt it will be my last (although one can always hope.)

I knew I’d gained weight. Actually, I knew about two weeks ago that I had REALLY gained weight. I could feel it. I’m pretty much right at the maximum weight that my poor 50 year old body can deal with, so when I gain, I notice it. My legs were terribly swelled. My left leg – the so-called bad one with the not-quite-right knee and ankle – was being a constant pill. I was having cramps and charley horses and issues with joints slipping badly out of place. I was hurting so bad that it made it even more difficult than usual to walk. And when I laid in bed last night, the size of my stomach was quite concerning. Despite my size, when I lay down my tummy is relatively flat. But now it was like I had a growing beach ball inside me. This was not good. 

A Big Bowl of Cookie Dough

There’s a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough in the refrigerator right now.

My daughter made it earlier before going to a friend’s birthday party. She took it as cookie dough, rather than baking it. After all, everyone loves cookie dough, right? And, they did. They all devoured quite a lot of cookie dough. But she still brought a lot home and now it is sitting in the refrigerator.

I’ve been aware of it ever since she put it in there – nearly 9 hours ago. She gave me one glorious spoonful of it – SOOOOO not on my diet – and I savored every bit of it. I have a real weakness for cookie dough, you see.

She said she will make cookies with it tomorrow. I jokingly (although if I am to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t really joking exactly…it was more in the direction of…testing) said, “if I don’t eat it all before then. She said that I should feel free to do as I wished, but pointed out that eating that much cookie dough would probably make me sick. I smiled.

The sad truth is that it probably wouldn’t. I mean, not in a way that would stop me, if I were of the mind to eat all that cookie dough. I wouldn’t throw up or anything. I would maybe feel a little crappy for a day or two but most of the effects (blood sugar spike and plummet) I would simply sleep through. I mean, if I were to eat it now.

And, you see, I could so easily eat it now.